Have you ever seen pictures of goat yoga on the internet? Adorable goats adorably leap onto your back while you are in child's pose and everyone is smiling while surrounded by the lush green grass of a farm? Yes, yes. That is exactly what sold me on the idea, too. I am here to let you in on a little secret - sometimes, the internet is not entirely forthright when portraying an event! I'm looking straight at your goat snuggling Instagram, Reese Witherspoon. I will now explain what goat yoga is - light on yoga, heavy on hungry goats.
I count myself as tremendously fortunate that I have amazing friends that enrich my life on a daily basis. They do it in a number of ways, and one of the ways that cannot be discounted is their willingness to agree to do ridiculous things with me. When I emailed Yasmeen and Jillian requesting that they do yoga with goats in Halloween costumes the yes response was both speedy and enthusiastic.
However, trepidation began to set in for all of us a few days before the yoga class (I cannot stress how loosely I am using the term "yoga") when we received the liability waiver. The waiver used words like "nip," "rip" and "bite." I could not get past the line that said the goats may weigh up to 80 pounds. I don't want 80 pounds of anything stepping on me! The Instagram goats don't look that big? Where are the Instagram goats? We bravely set our fears aside and signed the waivers.
We arrived at the church in Arlington on the evening in question for our "yoga." So right off the bat this differs from the sweet goat images I have seen on the internet. It is nighttime at a church off of a major highway. Not day time at a quaint looking farm. The three of us set up our mats in the big space set aside for the class and looked around for the goats. After sitting down and stretching our arms (this would be our only "yoga" along with one additional chair pose), the goats were paraded in on leashes, wearing costumes. Some were visibly more enthusiastic than others. There was a unicorn named Joey that was clearly living his best life. There was also a goat dressed as a pretzel that was having none of it. That was fine with me because if any of the goats were pushing 80 pounds, it was definitely the pretzel.
The goats were simultaneously let off their respective leashes and that is when all "yoga" ceased (roughly 5 minutes in) and goat chaos began to reign supreme. It was just 30 loose goats in Halloween costumes running around in a confined space. I made the mistake of sitting by the temporary curtain that was fashioned into a door to keep the goats in the yoga area. This resulted in my having to try and stop some escape goats. I think my success rate was roughly 50 percent. When I wasn't herding, I was nervously laughing because the goats were coming from every direction. I turned to see one nibbling on Jillian's phone. Super idyllic, right?
Now, again, per the internet, I expected to be in child's pose while a sweet little goat spontaneously leapt onto my back. Also, not quite how it went. First, our side of the room lined up shoulder to shoulder on our hands and knees and food was spread across our backs while numerous goats ran across all of us at once. This resulted in Jillian becoming our first goat casualty when a hoof scraped her arm. You can also see the picture of Yasmeen while the goat is crossing over her back. Zen.
After the initial goat stampede, the other side lined up shoulder to shoulder to enjoy the same. Moments after the goats started running across the backs of the other half of the yoga class, we heard a woman scream "its peeing on me." That was also a warning in the waiver. The woman immediately started taking off her clothes. I cannot blame her. We were 18 minutes into our hour-long "class."
After the goats did their victory lap across everyone's backs, we were free to snuggle any goats willing to snuggle. The individuals who appeared to be volunteering to help with the "yoga" walked around and sprinkled food on and around us to entice the goats. Have you ever been sprinkled in animal food in a room full of that animal? Not relaxing.
Now, the above description may make it sound like we didn't like the goat yoga. WE LOVED IT. We all loved it. We laughed so hard the entire time. I cannot recommend doing it at least once. Was it a workout? Not at all. Was it relaxing? Not in the least. Probably the most stressful "yoga" of all time (again, we were sprinkled in goat food). Was it fun? Absolutely. Would my 15-year-old niece who currently volunteers on a goat farm be proud of me? Very unlikely.
I would argue that our experience is better than any romanticized goat yoga seen on the internet. If we want to sit in a blissful farm setting and relax, we can go to a winery. It is not every day you can get trapped in a confined space with your dearest friends and a bunch of farm animals. Or is it? What I have also learned from this experience is that you can do yoga with many, many animals in the DC metro area. Goats, puppies, kittens and kangaroos. KANGAROOS. Kangaroos just sounds dangerous, but it sure enough is an option. Most recently, I saw piglets. I cannot get signed up for piglet yoga fast enough. I cannot wait to get my waiver that warns me the "piglets" may be up to 100 pounds and will probably eat me.
Thank you for lying to me internet. Without you, I probably wouldn't have gone to goat yoga. And thank you Jillian and Yasmeen, from the bottom of my heart, for an amazing night. And for being amazing in general.
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